I was recently asked how I live off of $288 excess cash bi-weekly.  At first I couldn't answer it.  I wasn't really sure and sometimes it feels like I can't.  After bills this is how much we are left to pay for groceries, gas, coffee, entertainment, etc. 

What my friend, Sarah, was really curious about is how we manage groceries.  My first response was I make all of our condiments: mayo, mustard, ketchup, horseradish, etc.  I make our bread (4 loaves every couple weeks), I make Kombucha, Yogurt, I buy in bulk, I buy things that are on sale unless it's a favorite brand we can't compromise.  We still buy just about everything organic and we still only spend about $85 bi-weekly. As all of the effort stated above is beneficial to our grocery bill what has the largest impact is WE USE WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE TO MAKE FOOD!! The pantry items get used, freezer food gets used, perishable items get used BEFORE we replenish or buy more. 

We also belong to a Dairy CSA, Veggie CSA, and Meat CSA.  Our dollars here go directly to the food produce and we get a TON of food for our dollar. 

AND, everything is so easy to do and takes minutes besides the mayo which is a little more time consuming.

I am scared.  This parenting thing is getting a lot harder as Harper gets older.  I was so terrified of the first few weeks of having a baby that I thought once I got over that the rest would be easy.  HA!  The first few weeks were hard in their own way and these weeks (Harper is 15 mts.) are WAY harder then I imagined. 

Yes, mobility added an element of challenge and speaking added another--which I was so excited for, because I thought it would make things easier which it did sort of-- BUT the real kicker, what makes this age  hard is the constant need for attention.  Long gone are the days of getting lost in a book or making a really nice meal.  But, it's not even that.... we all knew that would happen right!? 

 WRONG.  I thought I would be different.  I thought I could do everything I still wanted to do the only difference would be I'd have a child.  I couldn't understand why people made such a big deal out of kids and why everyone lost themselves in the process.  

Until now and that is what's hard.  Admitting defeat, processing these feelings of guilt, inadequacy, sadness, and depletion because I have indeed lost a part of me which I love.  Yes, I feel bad for myself and I find myself longing for quieter days and looking forward to her growing up and being more independent while I am simultaneously tearing up as she walks herself to the car because she is getting so big!

What the fuck?!  

This is the point where I feel I have to disclose I would give this sacred part of my being up over and over again because my love for Harper is so incredibly sustaining but I am not because today I do not feel that is true. I can't always run on love (did I really just type that, whoa) and at this point in parenting, today in parenting, I feel overwhelmed and filled with guilt for not being able to run on love and not being able to let "me" go easily.

But, being who I am and being me (smiley face) I will find a way to embody me with child, Harper and even my husband.  I am  not who I was.  I cannot be who I was and that is my reality.  What will this new world look like for me?  Where will I find my peaceful moments?  Other then beer when Harper goes to bed :)